Review: How Do I Get To Royal Festival Hall?

SPARKS – LIVE IN LONDON!!! OCTOBER 19, 2002

HOW DO I GET TO ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL?

Well, some of us got there by tube, some by plane, but Sparks got there by sheer audacity! After a career spanning 30 years of “practice man, practice” the band graced the UK with yet another sold-out command performance, lasting two full hours!

As the nearby Big Ben struck the 9 o’clock hour on Saturday evening, Sparks’ weird and wonderful opus, Lil’ Beethoven commenced with “The Rhythm Thief”. We first heard the words, “I am the rhythm thief – say goodbye to the beat.” In the darkness we envisioned the Mael brothers in burglar masks, unplugging drum machines world-wide from disco to disco like a pair of sinister Robin Hoods! The curtain rose to reveal a mysterious figure hooded in black. Although we heard Russell’s voice, it was Ron who presented the opening song with the assistance of drummer Tammy Glover and former Faith No More guitarist Dean Menta, both perched high above the stage on their own balcony. Two gigantic kettle drums added lots of drama, as the grandeur of the new classic Sparks sound enveloped the hall. Russell appeared in his gray monikered hooded sweat-suit, and our anticipation mounted, for this was the start of a very special evening!

The mischievous baton-wielding, sneaker-wearing character on the cover of Lil’ Beethoven could very well be Ron Mael’s inner child. Devious in his neat, respectable on-stage appearance and operatic presentation, our maestro lashed out at hip-hop hypocrisy, popular culture, and at life in general. The bitter bard conducted the live proceedings, ‘scratching’ and ‘sampling’ behind the synth in his Air Jordans, with Russell ‘on the mic’ rapturously rapping ‘the message’. Move over Grandmaster Flash!

Lil’ Beethoven is not only Sparks’ Sgt. Pepper – in fact, it could more likely be their Never Mind The Bollocks! It has more balls than Balls, more angst than Angst In My Pants, and Plagiarism only touched upon the plethora of musical genres emulated here. Each song is a strange, smartass symphony that so eloquently and elegantly ridicules everything that is wrong with music and with life today. The classy presentation undermines the rebellious nature of the lyrics. Sparks don’t mind making public enemies because they so much admire Public Enemy! Once again, to their credit, no one except for their fans will appreciate this masterpiece for many, many years. And rightfully, many of us were there to hear it live for the first time ever!

The evening’s second selection, “How Do I Get To Carnegie Hall?” answered its own rhetorical question many times before the song was over. Vaudeville is alive and well in this tune. Russell seemed possessed by the ghost of Henny Youngman as he endlessly repeated the question (almost as maddening as Abbot & Costello’s Who’s On First? routine!) However, his golden voice returned to lament, “Still there is no sign of you.” Ron’s piano antics were far-reaching – literally! When he re-appeared, his arms had suddenly grown to six feet in length!

Never before have we seen such a stunning Sparks stage set, constructed entirely of video images! Seven huge surprise-filled archways presented films of Ron in various stages of movement (to which he danced along live), song lyrics, illuminating visuals, and metronomes ticking down the time between songs.

Yes, real-life affairs should really take precedence over some bands’ hissy-fits as stated in “What Are All These Bands So Angry About?” Ron sat with his back to the crowd for a time, portraying an audience member with a lighted match ready for an encore, raising his fist in the air!

The romantic “I Married Myself” is simply beautiful. Congratulations to Russell! He is a much better match for himself than that old Jacqueline Kennedy! This song maintains a certain theatricality despite its simple arrangement. Ron is still grappling with the traditional concept of the ‘love song’. He can out-write anyone with his beautiful melodies, but always throws in a curse word (as in “The Angels”) or an odd situation as his signature mark. As Russell sang the song, Ron was tormented by mystery celluloid brides appearing and disappearing in the arched doorways. He chased the elusive beauties to no avail.

“Ride ‘Em Cowboy” wavered from Victorian to Wagnerian. The song is simultaneously complex and minimalist. Ron has developed a new dance step just for this song, and it’s quite catchy!

“My Baby’s Taking Me Home” began with simple piano, and an old-fashioned megaphone affect on the vocals, but it became more lavish and ultra-modern as the song progressed. The multi layering of Russell’s voice seemed infinite. He used multiple microphones to point up the vocals on this one. A rainbow filled the video archways as Ron sang the line, “A rainbow forms, but we’re both colour blind”. Then the song steadily expanded with a long, momentous crescendo, filling everyone in the hall with grand cinematic visions.

“Your Call Is Very Important To Us. Please Hold” (who else would start a second sentence within a song title but Sparks?!) picks up where Kraftwerk’s “The Telephone Call” left off. Rather than making weird computerized noises, Sparks allow us re-live the frustration of that cold familiar teasing phrase repeated ad-nauseum over a strangely beautiful yet angry classical piano trill amidst more orchestrations. Tammy took the mic for this one. Red and green ‘mixed signals’ illuminated the archways as Ron was hypnotically lured toward the ‘operator’ when he felt ‘important’ and cowered away dejectedly whenever she uttered, ‘Please hold’.

“Ugly Guys With Beautiful Girls” is a humourous headbanger (disguised by a sweet sounding intro and outro) about a preposterous topic that has dumbfounded many since the phenomenon became prominent in music videos in the 80s. Russell theorizes and expounds upon this subject, as Ron plays the part of the ‘ugly guy’ – a real stretch, but he played the part convincingly – flanked by a beautiful girl. Sparks have cleverly deduced that “It ain’t done with smoke and mirrors.” Dean Menta’s guitar made this song rock out!

Any Broadway show-tune composer would envy “Suburban Homeboy”. He’s a modern-day “Yankee Doodle Dandy”! Now That’s Entertainment! Ron and Russell alternated verses with Tammy and Dean in the chorus. Being the closing new song, it certainly left us all longing for a lyric sheet – the most entertaining aspect of a Sparks album (which is, by the way, included with the CD)!

The end of the Lil’ Beethoven overture begat a long and thunderous ovation, but the fun wasn’t over yet! After a brief intermission (actually too brief to digest what we had just witnessed), Sparks were back on-stage to encore some of their classics. Russell dressed up for the occasion in an elegant black suit to perform “Hasta Manana Monsieur” Dean delivered the riveting guitar solo that we’ve all grown to love on Plagiarism’s “Something For The Girl With Everything”. But even more surprises were in store…a long lost classic from Propaganda, “Don’t Leave Me Alone With Her” and a stunning rendition of Sparks first-ever single, “Wondergirl” which Russell sang flawlessly in the same key as he did over 30 years ago!

During “When I Kiss You (I Hear Charlie Parker Playing)” Ron’s classic shuffle – which has officially replaced Chuck Berry’s duck-walk as the coolest rock move of all time – dazzled us once again! Stylistically, it’s developed lots more attitude, and Ron stops just short of grabbing his crotch in defiance. He doesn’t really need to – his indescribable facial expressions tell us exactly what a mad genius he is! “Balls” was the only other post-1979 song performed in the second half.

The stellar backstage cavalcade included Sparks pal Marc Moulin of Telex, Kuntzel and Deygas…and the ghost of Liberace!

Roll over Beethoven – tell Sid Vicious the news!

– Madeline Bocaro